where are the endorphins?!?

that good feeling you're supposed to get from working out? and eating right?!?  ok, so at least I worked out it is Christmas after all....

it would appear I'm at THAT AGE...you know the one, when you reach you reach a certain age and your metabolism starts shutting down, and that little tummy bulge that wasn't there last year is referred to the trainer as hormonal...as if this whole losing weight thing wasn't already hard enough.  I've spent my entire life just trying to get my metabolism working in the right direction to begin with...no my age is working against me?!?  really?!?

I don't really eat all that much, I try to eat the right things, before my last goal (20 pounds by a cruise over thanksgiving) I was working out every other day, any where from 4+ miles on weight days, 7+ miles on cardio days, and not only did I not lose the 20 pounds, I gained 5 =0(

$800 on the cruise for miracle spa treatments and i'm no further along that I was before I went...

my knees hurt(history of injuries, surgeries, and screws, thought I'd add that in for dramatic effect), and to top it off I'm just so damned tired my muscles quiver after walking up a flight of stairs and I can't always catch my breath,,,where is the pay off?  what is the point?  and why do you ask, do I kill myself?!? because I want to be loved,  it was a cruel person who put it into our heads as young girls that loved was directly proportionately to size, the larger you are, the less there is....love is for the beautiful people, and to be beautiful, you must conform by the illogical standards of the fashion magazines and Hollywood...how does anyone ever believe there is world wide acceptance if you can't accept yourself, no matter how hard you try?!?  where is the love?!?
=0(